Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My Plan

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  - Mark 9:24

It’s the little things that remind me that life isn’t how I thought it would be. 

I completely forgot to reschedule my 1-year-old’s well-child care visit last week and we missed it.  I feel like a jerk.  We’ve been there 4 years, I think to myself.  Surely we haven’t missed too many in 4 years.  4 years.  Huh.  My oldest is 7.  Why have we not had the same pediatrician for 7 years?  That would be ideal wouldn’t it?  And I always seem to measure myself to the ideal.  Or at the very least – to my original plan.  

Ahhh, my plan.  My husband used to remind me all the time how God was laughing at my plans.  His point is well taken, but today as a friend of mine and I talked about infertility, neither of us were laughing.  God probably wasn’t either.  It’s just so hard to accept a different plan than the one we have.  My friend and I agreed, it really just comes down to being mad we aren’t getting our way.  It sounds silly, but for some things in life it’s harder to accept.  Infertility is one of them.  Infidelity is another.  The loss of a friend or a dream.  Resentment in a marriage.  A struggle with a child.  Acceptance is sometimes a battle that rages on inside us for much longer than we want it to.  As mothers we feel responsible for the direction our family goes in, the progress our children make, and the well-being of each family member.  Letting go of our plan is … nearly impossible.  

I grew up being told, “Think before you speak.”  (Probably because most of the time I didn’t.)  Recently my husband and I have begun to realize an even more valuable approach – “Pray before you speak.”  It’s a new way of looking at communication.  It’s a new way of getting the best guidance straight from the one who knows best.  And I’m embracing the concept of letting go of my own abilities and letting God take control of the situation.

As we muddle our way thru the hardest of life’s lessons, we are slowly learning how to let go and let God take control.  I’m still hesitant, at best.  But there are moments when I can see that God’s plan for the direction of our family and our marriage, is probably (maybe, could be) better than mine.  (It would have to be really good then!!)  Even if I just start with little moments in the day where I let God take over, maybe I can learn to seek His plan before mine.  To seek His wisdom before mine.  To ask Him honestly, “help me with my unbelief.”

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” 
- Philippians 3:12-14

Lord, Jesus, I come to you vulnerable and honest.  We are so often unwilling to accept your new plan for us; the one that doesn’t match up with our own.  It’s painful and it’s frustrating and I wish my emotions were being more cooperative, but they aren’t.  Lord, here, take my plan.  Help me to mourn my own plan and then accept and embrace yours.  Everyday your plan is staring me in the face, Lord, and I want it to bring me joy instead of this resistance.  Nudge my heart to pray.  Gently pull me forward so I can press on.  Amen.

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