Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fearful and Wonderful

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you... (Jeremiah 1:5)

When I was a child my parents were very active in pro-life organizations. They took my brothers and I on marches and pulled us with them when they spoke at various churches on the sanctity of life. I grew up hearing the above verse from Jeremiah over and over again, along with the verses from Psalm 139:13-16. I went with my mom to her doctor's appointments when she was pregnant with my two youngest brothers, I saw the posters in the doctor's office that charted a baby's development. We even had little plastic models showing what a baby looked like at various stages of development. I learned very early on how amazing and miraculous a new life is.

Now that I'm expecting my own little one, I'm learning it all over again, and it's even more amazing to me now.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mothers womb. (Psalm 139:13)

Two weeks ago, my baby was about the size of my fist. This week it's about the size of my open hand. The little one is growing so fast. Last week the bones in its ears were formed enough that it could hear the sound of my voice. This week it can hear other loud its father's voice as he leans over my belly and says, "Hi, baby. I love you and can't wait to see you!"

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139: 15)

Last week I felt my baby move for the first time. One afternoon I had the hiccups, and after every hiccup, I felt a little tap...a kick, or a thump, or a startled bump. Whatever baby was doing, I have a feeling it didn't appreciate my hiccups. And again, just a couple days ago I was talking to someone on the phone, and baby started moving. I think it was responding to the sound of my voice, which is a pretty amazing thought. As I write this, I can feel the baby doing something that feels kind of like somersaults.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them. (Psalm 139:16)

In a week I have my first sonogram and will get to see baby for the first time...and it will be a very formed, human-shaped substance that I will see. But God has known this baby since before it was formed. And God has written days for this baby. And even though I don't know the baby's name yet, God knows it, and He loves this little child and has redeemed this little one I am loving more and more each day.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139: 14)

My little one is a wonderful work and child of God. I want to meditate on these thoughts now, to allow them to soak in so that I don't forget them during the long nights I know are coming when baby just won't go to sleep and all I want to do is cry or yell...or when baby is older and has learned the words "no" and "mine"...when the "terrible twos" take over and turn my sweet little baby into a tantrum thrower...and much later when he or she is a teenager and I suddenly become a mom who doesn't know anything in his or her eyes. Even in the difficult times, I want to be able to remember how much I love this little one, and how much more our heavenly Father loves it, and how He has made this wonderful little being and knows the days that are written for it.

Heavenly Father, You created me and all my days. You know me inside and out, and You know my child inside and out, as well. And despite all You know about me and the ways that I have messed up the wonderful creation You meant for me to be, You still love me. The same is true for my child and for the other children I hope to have one day. You love this little one of mine, and I know there will be days that will try my patience, so I ask You to always remind me of Your great love for me and for my child. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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